All of the words below are mine alone, found scribbled on pages of book after book of my past. Sifting through the the dusty books tonight (I finally pulled from the basement...thanks Sheila!), brings me back to the girl I was in each moment. I can remember exactly where I was, what the room smelled like, what I felt like...sometimes on top of the world and...sometimes on the bottom.
I never knew what I was going to do with all those stories, sixty some odd books with fortunes from cookies taped to the inside pages, concert tickets, playbills, horoscopes. I suppose someday I knew I'd go back and take another look...
To you, reader, thank you for being here. thank you for being you. I only ask one thing, that you live with passion and that you confess love, always, no matter the odds. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
All the love in the universe- me
1999 "He wants the chance, but you're not giving it away." Project NIM
i'm dying...and as I stare at him i'm finding it to be i'm saying goodbye...for good.
Either a part of me has faded, or I don't know what to think. I think I desire him for all that he is, yet I think everything we have is over.
Because
I am loving again...and that just can't be
His beauty captivates me and I don't want to hurt him by allowing him to see i'll never be able to be the person he wants from me.
So please. I ask him to go the way he came; never wanting more.
and as I'll lay there next to him tonight and never feel more complete, I see the morning light with take him along with it
and
leave me
to realize
what i'm losing.
"Somethings you can look at, but you just can't touch, and somethings are just too good to look at...you would spoil them by touching."
1999 Kent Falls
the water came pouring from a fountain far away
it hit the rocks and echoed inside our minds
the wind blew the leaves around and took along with them my past as it hit the ground
i leaned on the bench that kept me from the water and he held me.
his face close to my neck
the feeling of the air made me whole as each touch came upon me I saw a new kind of love.
One that hope will not wash away
Faith will keep the water flowing for eternity and we may not join that...but with nature, the closer things become.
Is this...the one?
1999 Blue Car
you drive fast
you don't like my smoking
maybe I'd give it up...if you'd quit biting your nails
you keep me up at night
you take my beyond myself to a place where I can truly feel
where I can see your light
where I can grasp your stare.
the green in your eyes, tickles my laughter
your innocence, your voice, echoes in the night
your song, echoes through my heat
I would go anywhere you take me
take me to your dreams
life...
is not always, what it seems
1999 Nightmares
I run to the blackness that fills the pit in everything we once had
He is losing me. I am losing.
Don't find something that wants to be lost forever
Don't make something that doesn't want to be made
Don't ignore the fear that keeps you from touching me
Don't lose again
Don't fall away
Don't waste time
that you don't have
1999 Ode to Noone
the room is dark
you lay there motionless
everything is spinning
your breath is fading
you can't remember this morning and yesterday is forever gone
you slightly move your head and stare at me, staring back at you, as if to say you're sorry...
yet you can't speak
I cry and turn away, knowing you will soon be gone
what it would do to you, didn't you want to know?
A tear drips from the corner of your eye. I wipe it away
I slide my hand across your forehead as the sweat wettens your hair
I told you no more. you didn't want to listen
see what you did?
I'm so sorry I could not save you
but you didn't want to be.
1999 The Wreck
lie in your bed & look out the window at the reflection...you once saw in me
the moon has a circle surrounding it
it is a picture of the past you cannot remember
withered away like the burnt photograph taped to the dashboard of your car you ran off the road
lay there trying to think
lay there trying to wake up and in the morning, forget what you've done...
the yellow plastic ribbon has been tied around the scene by the police
a detective knocks on my door to ask me of you
"I didn't really know him, what happened, I would have thought he would have taken my picture down, hating me as he did, I never meant to hurt him, you know."
"It's not your fault" he said.
"It's not your fault."
"It infuriates us when we see in each other things we don't like in ourselves."
sometime in july of 05
London on a white T-shirt
with blonde hair and blue eyes
you stood over the water staring at me as I stared back...just knowing I could tonight
I've discovered this sort of happiness that didn't come from a song
or a long stemmed rose
or the tattoo on your neck
but rather in the leaves that hung over my head
in the air that I breathe when I walk
in the sun setting...along with me
and I know now...that love is everything you said it would be
7/18/05--#3
sunday, with a bottle of wine we sat on the porch
instead of walking that line
we didn't know how to leave...it was just like the very first time
the birds were chirping to me, finishing my sentences
and reminding me of all the fences when the grass...wasn't always greener
7/18/05--#12
in some high castle I wait for you to come home...knowing you left 3 months ago
I hold onto broken vows that I never meant to keep
7/18/05--#13
I heard you were in Nova Scotia- I'm so happy that you left us, you've been wanting to for years
absent from my tears
turns out, it's New Zealand...just another thing I haven't gotten right in years
7/18/05--#17
it's a waste of time with words that ryhme
just a waste of space, slowing the pace
of my heart
the curving of my spine
looking for sunshine
a glass of wine
a Joni Mitchell song to pass the line
7/18/05--#18
I'm stuffed
not by home cooked meals
but by your words that fill more more than mine own ever could
vocabulary that doesn't derive from a book
but rather from a saying 'with age comes wisdom'
you will never know how you cover up that space inside of me
but in the morning the sun will rise,
I can count on that, as long as I can count on you-
7/18/05--#21
with these 'lofty aspiration' my morale stinks!
inside of you is a lingering temptation to fill my emptiness
and oh- how I want you to...even knowing in the end
what was lost would never be found
I need to risk this in order to feel alive
but what must you risk?
in order to feel me
7/18/05--#22
perhaps its in the air, these past few days
that feeling of longing
a lonliness, that even when wrapped in the arms of another, it will always remain
it will still be there, ever year at this time
until our last moment.
and not energy,
love nor space
will change that
7/18/05--#29
yellow gatorade, like you in the morning, fresh & new
oh- how you'd love so much for us
to be
true
7/18/05--#31
you never bitter in my mind
its not like you sour on the vine!
I just want you to know, each time my heart hears you curse/ so preverse
it beats with utter love
from above all things
from within all of this
this time, that separates our bodies
this distance doesn't break the vow we've written of love.
your choices do not define you
nor do they define me
it doesn't declare you the devil
in fact
much lighter
much easier
much to treasure in you
& your beauty...I bet you didn't know you had
it erases this breakthrough of not knowing love
because now
i know you
7/18/05--#40
when you want something colored in red, you'd call me to paint it black!
Is that what I am to you?
this brief moment of antagonistic youth?
watching my pen curve & turn
my ass move
your heart yearn...
you can give me wine till I drown
it's never gonna buy the time away that you need from your town
we can go skiing high up on some hill
don't think that the thrill
will ever wear me as thin
as I wear you.
7/18/05--#45
I watched you hold the stem of your glass at seventy-five with the same class I imagine you had a twenty-two
looking across into the same eyes you saw back then
but tonight, you took your time
toasting with that glass of wine
as if there may never be another moment
the tears swelled up in my eyes
as if you were the grandfather I never had, yet wished I did
Summer in AP (2005)
tonight you told me "it's hard when in life you've been given just a part of something and then comes that moment when you realize you could have it all." you said "it's like test-driving a ferrari, but knowing you could never afford one, and then someone comes out of nowhere offering it to you for free."
well it is like me, for I don't come with a price
you don't have to give to gain
you've already got me
Summer in AP, cont. (2005)
i'm not a fan of where you live, but I would move my whole life for you.
Summer in AP, cont. again (2005)
'glad to hear his voice reminded you of me.'
I worked tonight in the storm. this servant. this me, that I never wanted to be
waiting on hand & foot
although, at the end of it all
I knew there would be your call
just to fill me in
hear my voice on the machine
and just like you
I went on missing you too.
Summer in AP, cont. again... (2005)
I spend 7 hours a day keeping quiet
when i'm let go, I want the whole world to know each detail
every secret which I've discovered...
I wish I was going home to you instead of an empty bed
where I must dream about what is to be
all alone in my head
Still summer in AP (2005)
the big hands wearing the ring
press down on my heart
tearing me apart from above & below
F U
...and the seeds we sow
Summer in AP coming to a close (2005)
my shirt marks the stain of you
the pain of you, tonight
I want to take a train
fly a plane
to your world
that I miss
remembering your kiss
I never had
this feeling of being glad about this one love
each and every one of us only dreams of
we've found it
you want it
but you can't let her go
what is it you need?
that you don't already know
Your Call Cannot be Completed As Dialed (2005)
I would have regretted hearing your voice
I would have regretted my youth for the night
always living for the moment...doing what I chose was right
you see...freedom exists here.
with my work clothes spread about his lawn
as he picks me up to his mouth
this is the life i've never lived...but lived twice
tonight under the stars, so far away
i'm no longer thinking of you today
I Don't Know (2005)
...one moment from the next
from the time one circus comes to town
I see you, frown there in your misery
frown down upon me
naked to the bone
oh how, on nights like this, I miss your gift...
that summer bliss that only lasted
one hour as far as I can remember
I wish to hold your hand tonight
in the California light
on Olympic boulevard
with that "LaCienga Smile"
maybe this year...our love will last a little while
you drove three hours to find yourself in the desert
longing
loving
& losing all your money on the hour
praying for me to shower you with love
what if I told them the truth?
would you rise
and this time come out above?
I love you.
I Long 4 Serenity (2005)
...throughout my identity crisis
turning pages faster than they can turn black
you are what I lack.
Aren't you proud, I've said it.
isn't this what you waste your days 4?
humming the same tune
yea you. I'm talking to you!
I'm not gonna give you a signal or a sign to make you true
I am; always was, talking about you.
so shoot another game of pool at the bar you son fondly call home
why was it, when you were with me...you found it so easy to roam?
October 30th 2012
id like to think the right kind of love would also do that for a man....
free him up to move out of his mother's house.
become a painter, a poet, a potter.
as Jewel sings her song of meaning, it bring me back to a kind of love today i'd only imagine as a thing of success.
long hair & a pony tail- eyes of sea green- lips of roses & butter.
it's as if time never made a difference as he's never aged past 18.
so...it saddens me and it breaks my heart to hear the truth of such talent...such beauty. lost.
because he ended up with the wrong girl- solely because the right one was traveling at a faster speed.
goodbye eddie wilson-
Sept 27 2001 #18
A chance I had to take a long time ago:
I reached over to him in the car, just a hug.
He stood there, waiting to see if my car would start. It did.
Quickly I turned if off. I didn't want to go- I didn't want him to know.
I drove away and began to cry- it would all end, but not tonight, not now.
I reached to the phone acting on nothing but an impulse and dialed his number. I frose hearing his voice on the other end of the line. Like a stream of unconscienceness I asked/told him- "come get me, come pick me up, come take me away."
God I knew it was wrong. I knew it was bad. But I knew, that for whatever reason, there was more I had to see. I couldn't risk walking away- what if morning never came? Dying, knowing I was too afraid to take a chance, that instead I let it slip away....& the phone died. The phone f u c k i n g died. Cordless- removed itself from the wall. Was it a sign?
I'm out of breath, my mind is spinning, I frantically plugged it back in & it rang... It was him- I came to my senses and apologized- I took it too far- yet, he interrupted me. "Katrina, get over here right now."
Oh and that night...everything lost was found.
Gosh, we really had something, him & I. My Paris. My place I always dreamed of going.
Relationships, by Marina Vallarenghi
"in dreams, like in myths, the meeting between a man & a woman is not only a meeting between two characters, but it is also the union of tow complete parts of opposite energies within a single personality. Thus in the same way that a man and a woman meet and join in everyday life, a man and woman meet and join inside each of us, giving life to the union of opposites."
"For what destiny was I born? For what destiny?- The old song repeated: To desire and to die.
7/29 (2001)
Seize the moment
Hey you, standing over there, where'd you get that look?
Where'd you get those eyes? Can't you see i'm bleeding with your eyes of blue?
You're dreamin'- i'm tearin' into you.
Take me by the hand baby, let's dance under the moonlight; let's fly through the stars-
Let's wish upon the sky; just you and I- taking eachother into our arms until the essence of time will allow.
7/29 (2001)
Passion- "let's play something else. this is too fast." John-Daniel
Oh I could drink so many cases as I get tangled within the sheets- I am here with you. Let's take our time, let's travel, let's see- What is it we are all meant to be? We search this life, we travel those roads together, I travel within you- within your smile, within your skin. I watch you as you sit there and smoke your cigar, you play your piano and watch me out of the corner of your eye as I undress. I am so within your mind now, so within your heart. Silence is sitting between us until we take that first step. Until my hand reaches our to your body where I lose all control. I wither beneath you; in between your soul and you touch me the same as when we first met. I kiss you, oh so differently, but the same we will remain.
And as you lay along tonight, think of me as I am- as I always will be. Loving you & dreaming. Illusions will come & go. Jobs/ Cities/ all become figments of the imagination we had as children. This becomes much different game.
A pile of silken clothes remain in stillness upon that hardwood floor.
7/29 (2001)
On a different note-
it's been too long since my eyes gazed upon your beauty.
Although secret; new beauty does exist and with a pleasant face. A fire inside, I can tell.
His grace in his speaking is exquisite and I am enjoying every second I get to share in his presence. These months have been long, people have come and go, but this one is here to stay- I can tell by the sound of his voice.
So I leave tomorrow, new scenery, new adventures, new beauty for my eyes to discover.
I've become complete in these distant months and I've done it all alone; all by myself.
And as for tonight, I sit in a beautiful room near the water with 3 artists- so much talent in this small space. Their music, their harmony echoes the streets and through them I find inspiration so I want to say thank you.
'every road leads me home'
A minor D F C
A G G A minor
'its very fast. as soon as you're born, they made you feel strong.'
'giving you no time and then nothing at all.'
"A working class hero is something to be." Dylan
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder...yet at the same time, what the eyes do not see, the heart does not grieve for."
8/23 (2001)
Without you...
without your touch, i am numb
without you near, i cannot breathe
without your smile, i feel weak
with you so far away, nothing feels the same
you've been going so long- i wait & count each second that goes by until i can see you again
i need you like the days past
i need to feel warm
i need to shiver in your grasp
chills of beauty
of satisfaction
please come back.
Close to fate- May 24th. Somewhere in a NYC apartment above 102nd st.- some year, mid 2000's.
'I think about what's out that door and I don't ever want to leave'
your voice is like an angel and you don't sing for me
this inspiration to be beautiful in your eyes
yet this i know, wrapped between your thighs
this i was, moving to your side
i am
wanting to wait for the first time in life
this life
you speak just right about hearts that beat down this one way street leading me to your door
in just two days i've come to remember your scent
in just two days, what a short time we've spent laughing and singing and walking together
talking forever of things i can remember
each time will be the first
each embrace, a curse
branded on the inside of my hip, i'm going to take another sip, babe
as you smoke another joint
i'm going to find another way, hun
making you the one, always looking towards the sun
Scooped up. early-2000's- in a Burbank studio with AFH
in your strong arms
i was wearing pink for the very first time
you grabbed my hand for a dance
you grabbed my hips inside your glance
always wondering @ that next moment
always knowing you owned the time to change your mind
i know you were afraid of me, yet you held on to finish the song of my life
my last memory
there, you & me
time stood for us as 'The Dance' played on
somehow that night we would break the bond
as friends become lovers and so time moves on
clenching at my back you layed me down, slipping me up and around from under you
the 'blues' go away
that was the day
we made love all alone
my insides breathed fire deep from the bone
and yet, all we wanted was to both go home
but...the love of my life that night you never made it
and i hate you- for trying too much
and i hate you- for not trying enough
(c) Katrina Bonvini
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